No Deaf Horror Movie Victims
You know when you're in the bath and you think you've heard a sound? Something eerie? You do that slowed-down double-take where you try and look through the walls as if you've suddenly acquired x-ray vision. Well, just as long as you don't progress beyond this juncture in the scenario, you'll be just fine.
You know why?
Because as soon as you say that fatal 'Hello?' you're done for - you have indicated to the probable intruder that you are inquisitive. All they need to do now is repeat the noise. Maybe alter it once or twice to really get your attention, and then you're theirs - to do with as they please. You won't be able to help yourself. Before long, you'll be traipsing down the stairs in a dressing gown, carrying a golf club, waving it around in the hope that you look like Jackie Chan, when the truth is that you look more like Jackie Stallone. Or Jackie Onassis, by the time the killer has finished with you.
So just ignore it - even if you hear all kinds of awful noises. I can guarantee you will be at no personal risk - as long as you sit tight, and carry on enjoying your bath. Even if the mad axe killer comes storming up your stairs, wailing about how there's about to be a' dismemberin'. I promise you that as soon as they smash through the door and see you lying there in bath, reading 'Chat', humming to yourself, all their ardour will flee.
This is because the mad axe killer loves to lure. The mad axe killer loves drama. That's why they do mad axe killing, and not stamp collecting. That's why they stand around in corn fields, waiting. That's why they tap on windows. So for them, there's no fun in being ignored; no theatre. When they look at you, relaxing in suds, thumbing through stories about skateboarding owls and psychic parakeets - ignoring them - they will sigh like a lonely child at the swimming pool, and leave.
So, to avoid having your bath-time interupted at all, just pretend you can't hear them in the first place- because you never see deaf people getting chain-sawed in horror movies.
posted by Ultra Toast Mosha God @ 8:22 PM
7 Comments:
That's good, since I am almost deaf.
All sound advice.
Plus I've always wondered about the practical aspects of this - shouting out "Hello? Is there anyone there? I have a frying pan!" (or similar) has no positive benefit at all. You've immediately indicated your location, your fear and your state of armament to the mad axe killer.
Say nothing and you at least have the chance to turn the clobberee into the clobbered.
What led to this discussion btw?
Kenju: Then you have nothing to fear.
Ant: I heard a noise while I was in the bath.
Ah. So do you now have an axe through your skull and are voicing experience?
No. I took my own advice, and I survived. But my next-door neighbour wasn't so lucky.
The police came round the following morning and said that she had been found dead. 'Horrifically mutilated' they said. They asked if I had heard anything unusual.
Of course I didn't!
Silly policemen!
Additionally ... Don't offer the would-be intruders a slice of pizza ... !
This gives me an idea for a horror flick: curious deaf guys with extraordinary peripheral vision, taunted by bloodlustful psychic parakeets no one else sees coming.
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