I'm poor beyond my wildest dreams

Just been dumped? Had your soul filed down to a nub by the careless abrasion of a cold-hearted, selfish misanthrope? Endured the fickle hand of fate unsheathing the genitals of misfortune to douse the fire of your romance with the urine of despair?

Well, fear not. I am here to help you to rise from the p*ss-soaked ashes of rejection like a stale-smelling phoenix - with these top tips.

1) Do:

Indulge yourself with drink and drugs. Pump yourself so full of the stuff that you can barely comprehend your own existence. Put Bon Jovi on the stereo. Get in the bath with a bottle of gin. Drink until you end up splashing around like a pensioner who fell into a lake when you try and perform the simple task of grabbing onto the lip of the bathtub to haul yourself over the side onto the carpet. Now lie there. Feel like a sun-damaged shop dummy which has just washed up on the beach and is being smashed in the face with a plank of wood - by some euphoric children; whilst listening to 'You Give Love A Bad Name'.

Don't:

Worry about the inevitable hangover. You'll feel so abysmal that a broken heart will seem like a comparative blessing: maybe you'll bleed to death and the pain will stop. If it doesn't, run another bath. Repeat. To fade.


2) Do:

Tell everyone you know about how bad you feel. Even once they stop asking. Even once they stop nodding and smiling. Even once they stop calling, or stop answering the door when you go over to their house. Even when they close the windows and enable the security lights. Even when they come downstairs in the middle of the night, open the door, and grab you by the shoulders and shout into your face SHUT THE F*CK UP!! SHUT UP! I'M TIRED OF YOUR SH*T! I'M NOT SURPRISED YOU'RE ALONE! MOVE ON! GET OVER IT!

Don't:

Be put off when they do this. After all, they have no idea what it's like. Try them again tomorrow.


3) Do:

Cast massive aspersions about what the person who dumped you might be up to now. Think, at length, about how much fun they are having without you. Think about all the other people they're sleeping with, and rolling around with in a big ball of pleasure; all of them laughing at the mention of your stupid unlovable name. Imagine there is a photo of you discarded on the floor. Imagine the other person curling one out on your face - for a joke, so that your idiotic, grinning smile goes from being crisp, white and glossy to a dirty smear. And it's hilarious, so all the other people who the other person is sleeping with (and rolling around with in a big ball of pleasure) cackle with joy. Then they all decide get it on with the other person - at the same time; to celebrate your excrement-stained inadequacy. And its amazing. Because you aren't there. Because you are crying in a darkened corner of a dilapidated beach house on the shores of Dimwit-On-Sea.

Don't:

Forget to book ahead: Dimwit-On-Sea is busy. You dimwit.